Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Twas The Night Before A Crohnie Christmas

Here, once again, is my version of the famous poem. 
There are some words that might offend, but.....well.....I never said I was politically correct =)

 Enjoy !!!

‘Twas the night before a Crohnie Christmas, quiet as a mouse
Trying to get to the bathroom without disturbing the spouse.
The TP was hung by the toilet with care,
In hopes that I don’t run out whilst I sat there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
I hope I’m not too loud lest I wake their sleepy heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
But I had to get up, I needed to crap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my throne to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Still pulling up my underwear to cover my ass.

I live on the coast so there wasn’t any snow
Just dreary wet grass that I can see below.
When, what to my very tired eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

A decrepit old driver, not lively or quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
He didn’t look well, he must be inflamed,
But he whistled, and shouted, and called his reindeer by name!

"Now Crohns! Now, Colitis! Now, Pain and Grouch!
On, Abscess! On, Fistula! On, Ostomy and J-Pouch!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof,
The scratching and farting of that big, silly goof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toe,
He looked very fatigued, he moved really slow.

A bundle of toys he had flung on my chair,
He looked in pain, it must be a flare.

His eyes, how they squinted! His face quite scary!
He let out a fart, not pleasant or airey!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
I was getting prepared, he was gonna let another one go.

The bags under his eyes, I saw his fatigue
That comes from living with this dam Crohn's Disease.

He had a broad face, (must be the Prednisone),
If he didn’t hurry, he would soon need the throne.


He was chubby and plump, a right smelly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
The moon face, mood swings and twitch of the head,
Soon gave me to know it was for sure the Pred.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to the bathroom,
And filled my toilet with a splat! and a KABOOM!

And laying his fingers, covering his nose,
Giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, he now weighed so much less,
He thanked me and apologized for the big mess.
But when I heard him exclaim, I realized he knew our plight,
“I have Crohn’s Disease too, it’s going to be one HELL of a night!!”
 
Merry Christmas everyone!!
 
 

6 comments:

Dallas Sainsbury said...

This is awesome!!

Vern Laine said...

Thanks ! I'm glad you got laugh and smile our of it

Renee11866 said...

I love this!! I have recently been diagnosed and have not been able to stop searching for information on this topic. It was really a joy to find something that actually made me laugh. I made 2 copies for my friends at work and forwarded it to 3 other people I know. Thank you!!

Vern Laine said...

Thanks! Over the years I learned that you just have to laugh sometimes

Anonymous said...

Thank you ! Hahaha, this was exactly what I needed to read today. I've been diagnosed this year in March, and this week has been a bit tiring, but this post really got me laughing.

Vern Laine said...

If you're newly diagnosed, you'll understand that you HAVE to laugh about it sometimes, glad it made your day!!