You Might Be A Crohnie

If you say the phrase "ahhhhhh, shit!" and mean it, literally...
you might be a Crohnie

If the only thing about your colonoscopy you worry about is whether the video will go viral...
you might be a Crohnie

If you hear the phrase "anal probing" and you DON'T think of alien abductions...
you might be a Crohnie

If you can still fit in your jeans from High school....
you might be a Crohnie

If you map out your trip to the corner store based on how many public washrooms you pass.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you own stock in bathroom tissue......
you might be a Crohnie

If you hold the world record for the amount of times going to the bathroom in an hour......
you might be a Crohnie

If the staff at the local hospital knows you by your first name.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you are told 'You don't LOOK sick' 10 times a day......
you might be a Crohnie

If your intestines talk to you loudly and you tell people you're just hungry.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you can actually spell G-A-S-T-R-O-E-N-T-E-R-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you can tell how you are feeling by the shape, color, smell and volume of your poop.....
you might be a Crohnie

If all the toilet seats in your house are DOWN.......
you might be a Crohnie

If your family and friends give you gift cards to the local pharmacy.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you go in to Emergency already with your jewelry removed and just carrying your medical card......
you might be a Crohnie

If you start to get worried when you get down to the last 3 rolls of toilet paper in your house.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you have to pass gas and HOPE you just pass gas.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you can run to the bathroom and take down your pants in world record time......
you might be a Crohnie

If you have a hospital bag packed and ready to go, just in case.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you get excited when toilet bowl cleaner goes on sale....
you might be a Crohnie


If the dog farts and people look at you.....
you might be a Crohnie

If there is a refrigerator in your bathroom....
you might be a Crohnie

If your license plate says "GOT2GO"....
you might be a Crohnie

If you can eat junk food with no problem, but get flare ups from salad.....
you might be a Crohnie

If you can produce enough gas to power a small rocket....
you might be a Crohnie

If hanging out at the hospital on a Friday night is your idea of fun....
you might be a Crohnie

If there are more holes in you than a dead gangster....
you might be a Crohnie

If you know exactly how much intestine you have........left....
you might be a Crohnie

If hearing the phrase "you're so skinny, you should eat something" makes you want to scream....
you might be a Crohnie

If you could bottle your disease and sell it as the new celebrity diet and make millions....
you might be a Crohnie

If you can just LOOK at food and tell how long it'll take from the time you eat it until you have to go to the bathroom....
you might be a Crohnie

If after going to the bathroom, you come out, exhausted and out of breath like you just ran a marathon...
you might be a Crohnie

If you know the difference between fistulating and nonfistulating perianal disease...
you might be a Crohnie

If you can physically SEE your abdomen "deflate" as you pass gas...
you might be a Crohnie

If according to the 2014 Guinness Book of World Records, under "Toilet Sitting", you see your picture...
you might be a Crohnie

If you call your bloated abdomen your "Crohn's baby"...
you might be a Crohnie

If you don't eat for days before the big game, simply so you don't have to go to the bathroom while its on ...
you might be a Crohnie

If when the doctor says "open wide".......you bend over...
you might be a Crohnie

If your farts smell like something from the world of Zombies
...you might be a Crohnie

If you try and go a whole day without talking about your bowel noises and fail miserably
...you might be a Crohnie

If you scan a building while you're out, not for the exits, but for the bathrooms
...you might be a Crohnie


If you can feel good one minute and be in hospital the next...literally
...you might be a Crohnie

If you can drink all day long and still be dehydrated....
you might be a Crohnie

If you start naming your kidney stones like they do with hurricanes...
you might be a Crohnie

If you lose count how many times you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night
...you might be a Crohnie

If one of the decisions you make for the day, is whether or not to just get out of bed                             ...you might be a Crohnie

If you use your wedding ring as a barometer to gauge how much weight you gain or lose                      ... you might be a Crohnie

If you do your best thinking while sitting on the toilet...because that's where you always are...
you might be a Crohnie

If you are more embarrassed buying toilet paper then you are buying condoms or tampons
...you might be a Crohnie

If getting out of bed is one of the highlights of your day...
you might be a Crohnie

If your trigger food is.....well.......food...
you might be a Crohnie

If the question, "how are you feeling?", is THE most difficult question in the world to answer
...you might be a Crohnie

If you have all the ingredients memorized on the bottles in your bathroom                                         ...you might be a Crohnie

If you can tell when they change the toilet paper... just by the feel of it                                                      ...you might be a Crohnie

If the airport security asks, "Can I look in your bag?" and you lift your shirt                                                      ...you might be a Crohnie

If your version of multitasking is farting without crapping yourself                                                       ...you might be a Crohnie

If your veins are as hard to find as the Invisible Man
 ... you might be a Crohnie

If your peri-anal abscess is only the size of a quarter, but FEELS like a watermelon                             ...you might be a Crohnie

If getting out of bed and having a shower is your version of "working out"
...you might be a Crohnie

If you find yourself hoarding the mini shampoo bottles from hotels to replenish your stock for when you go in to hospital...you might be a Crohnie

If you lose count how many times you sit on the toilet in the night...
you might be a Crohnie

If trying to eat healthy means NOT going for the salad...
you might be a Crohnie


If after you finished getting dressed, you already have to change your underwear
...you might be a Crohnie

If your ass feels like 3rd degree burns from going to the toilet every few minutes for 9 hours            ...you might be a Crohnie

If you miss HAVING an ass...
you might be a Crohnie

If you can do a complete wardrobe change while sitting on the toilet...
you might be a Crohnie

If you constantly adjust your belt notches throughout the day
...you might be a Crohnie

If you have the energy of a sloth but can still get to the toilet in under 3 seconds...
you might be a Crohnie

If you pull a muscle while going to the toilet... you might be a Crohnie

If you start NAMING your peri anal abscess's...
you might be a Crohnie

If you know the difference between a fissure, a fistula and an abscess AND know how to deal with each one
... you might be a Crohnie

If when you get a burst of energy you squeeze in as much housework as you can before getting exhausted and have to rest again...
...you might be a Crohnie

If you can go months without a flare, but have one as soon as you go on vacation
....you might be a Crohnie

If you need a rest....from resting
...you might be a Crohnie

If you can "extreme-multi-task" (do everything while sitting on a toilet)                                                   ... you might be a Crohnie

If you have read every magazine at the doctor's office and get excited when new ones arrive
...you might be a Crohnie

If you often feel like a pin cushion
... you might be a Crohnie

If "going out" for a couple of hours, takes days to prepare
... you might be a Crohnie

If you get to sip clear broth while everyone else stuffs their bellies with Christmas turkey, stuffing, etc.
...you might be a Crohnie

If you can look like a slim supermodel in the morning and look pregnant in the evening...
... you might be a Crohnie

If you own just one belt AND have added extra notches not only for weight gain / loss, but also for bloating just throughout the day
...you might be a Crohnie

If you can teach your children the alphabet by the amount of vitamins you take...
...you might be a Crohnie

If you consider yourself a guinea pig when it comes to figuring out what you can eat day to day
...you might be a Crohnie

If having 20 bowel movements a day.....is a slow day
...you might be a Crohnie

If you need to rest......from having a rest
...you might be a Crohnie

If you go to the toilet and it's full of blood but it's not from your period....or you're a guy
...you might be a Crohnie

If you begin to recognize phone numbers written on the public toilet walls
... you might be a Crohnie

If you have tried every brand of toilet paper and can rate them by heart
...you might be a Crohnie

If you have become somewhat of an expert at rating public washrooms
... you might be a Crohnie

If your "skinny jeans" hang like you can fit another another person in them with you
...you might be a Crohnie 

If you turn on the radio at work to help drown out the noises coming from your abdomen
...you might be a Crohnie

If you can never go "commando" again....ever
...you might be a Crohnie

If you have become an expert on looking WELL
....you might be a Crohnie

If your son's nickname for you is "the ass of death"
... you might be a Crohnie

If you found out baby wipes are not just for babies
...you might be a Crohnie

If you need a rest after having a rest
... you might be a Crohnie

If you can go through a whole roll of toilet paper in just one day
...you might be a Crohnie

If you have ever rolled your eyes at someone who has told you "I know how you feel" and they DON'T have Crohn's
...you might be a Crohnie

If reviewing your medical records takes more than a week
... you might be a Crohnie

If you can drink water, the equivalent to the size of Lake Michigan, every day, and STILL be dehydrated
...you might be a Crohnie

If you have discovered that there are multiple ways to sit on a toilet
...you might be a Crohnie

If you know you're gaining weight, simply because your thighs are now touching
.... you might be a Crohnie

If a 36 roll bag of toilet paper will last you a week
.... you might be a Crohnie

If you have come up a form of "toilet yoga" just to find a comfortable position while going

....you might be a Crohnie

If you can be through pain, fatigue, dehydration, bloating and overall "unwellness" and still look like nothing is going on

.... you might be a Crohnie

If your gut talks to you so loud, it's like having another person in the room with you
.... you might be a Crohnie

If you get excited when you have a "semi formed" bowel movement
.... you might be a Crohnie

If you can suffer from Crohn's disease, peri anal disease, kidney stones, psoriasis, fatigue, dehydration, malnutrition, and depression and STILL get up everyday looking as fresh as a daisy
...you might be a Crohnie

If you would rather stand that sit down in one of those hard, pain inducing, tear jerking, torture chambers for your ass at your doctor's office

....you might be a Crohnie

If your hospital records read in volumes instead of pages

...you might be a Crohnie

If you think you're feeling better and your IBD starts to laugh at you
... you might be a Crohnie

If you would rather drive 20 miles to use the toilet instead of using a public one
... you might be a Crohnie

If you stop counting your bowel movements after 20 in a 12 hour period
... you might be a Crohnie

If you look at a small roll of 1-ply toilet paper and giggle

...you might be a Crohnie

If no one knows by looking at you, you're flaring, in pain, and really have to go to the bathroom

...you might be a Crohnie

If you're up all night with your mind racing with strange things like, "why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways"

....you might be a Crohnie

If you think the noise from an MRI machine could be used at a Rave

...you might be a Crohnie

If you haven't had a "normal" bowel movement since the 80's
... you might be a Crohnie

If you have a bowel movement every morning at 8 AM, but don't wake up til 9 AM
...you might be a Crohnie

If you smile and nod on the outside while someone tells you how you can "cure" your disease, but you are rolling your eyes on the inside

....you might be a Crohnie

 If you have become an expert at ripping off toilet paper with one hand                                                ....you might be a Crohnie

 If the doctor asks to see your medical file, and you ask "which volume?"                                                ... you might be a Crohnie

 If you begin to panic when your supply of toilet paper drops below 10 rolls

...you might be a Crohnie.